I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself. Please share your thoughts and opinions.

Since I've begun feeling like this I've shut myself away from everything I could. I didn't want to poison anyone else with these awful feelings and they all just assumed I was doing my own thing so these thoughts have been left unspoken until now. I don't even want help anymore I just want to die a death that I did not directly cause. Something like a car crash or an unfortunate construction accident, a freak flu that causes people to drop dead. I repeat just to emphasize, I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die.

Answers:

The best advice I can give you is to reach out to someone- you're not poisoning other people by doing so, you're letting them know the truth of how you feel be known so opportunities for getting better open up to you. I know it seems impossible to do, but from my experience it's a reliable way of making things brighten up. People in your life care about you, but if you don't let them know you're doing poorly they'll have no reason to think you're not doing fine. Like I said, hang in there, I care. Hugs.

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Background: I've been depressed since my teens, but I wasn't diagnosed and treated until my late 20's. I am now almost 46, but just before I turned 40, a good friend committed suicide and shortly after that I was hospitalized for eight days for threatening to cut my own throat at work - I did not hurt myself or have ever attempted suicide, however I know exactly how I would do it if I ever chose to do it, although it is an option I no longer accept.

Current status: I am comfortable and having frequently more good days than bad. The thought of wanting to die is less persistent for me, although it is still there but more as an annoying thought, like a song that's stuck in your head.

Methods: I'll share what has been most effective for me, in no particular order:

• Finding the right medication (I tried several, Lexapro has worked best for me).
• Finding a therapist that acts as coach and shares your general views in life. I am a skeptic and an atheist and I was unable to find a therapist that wasn't religious or believed in pseudo-science,- I've seen about a dozen different therapist and eventually I tire them out or I just plain quit.
• Learning to be my own "care-taker" - Buddhism based mindfulness teachings have helped me a great deal - not the supernatural crap, but the practical stuff like learning to let go of emotional and personal attachments, learning to judge people less, specially myself. Detaching myself from my anger. The best source to learn this for me has been podcast by Gil Fronsdal out of Red Wood City, CA, he's a Buddhist teacher who explains the teachings of the Buddha without supernatural junk.
• Eating well and doing some exercise; much like depression is a vicious circle where it feeds and grows on itself - healthy living does the same. I don't do this nearly enough, I am overweight but having had a particularly bad end of 2012, these last few months have been better as a result.
• Reaching out to people without sharing my pain - you'll eventually find someone with whom you safely can do so.
• Finding a creative outlet or an outlet for something you like to do. For me this was Improv. Using that outlet to "vent" those negative thoughts, sometimes writing them down and tossing the paper away or deleting the file is surprisingly effective.
• Constant self education about depression and how our brain works, read up on human perception and logical fallacies.